You don’t need to FIX
Sometimes when a friend or loved one is going through stuff it’s really hard to watch and an automatic response can be to try to fix or save them. But that doesn’t always help them or you.
I used to try to fix and if I’m honest I still do (working on it) but I don’t put so much pressure on my self to be this perfect person for the people around me (again, work in progress). I thought (without realising I actually thought this- subconsciously) when a friend or loved one or heck a complete stranger on the street was telling me about a problem or issue or just genuinely telling me about their life; I’d have to fix it or them.
The thoughts/ inner critic messages behind it was if I didn’t fix or help their life in someway they wouldn’t see value in me as a friend or human. There would be no need or reason for them to hang around because I don’t give them anything. If you’ve read previous blog posts then you’ll probably be able to see this links back to a fear of everyone around me leaving and then I’ll be all alone.
This made me really push my helping/ fixing into people I felt if they didn’t get ‘fixed’ then I wasn’t safe. So I would repeat my advice, push my thoughts onto them and get my self soo stressed out and frustrated if they didn’t seem like they took the advice. I’d get so tangled in this thought of I have to make everyone safe so I can be safe or they will all leave me. But trying to do that actually just pushes people further away and doesn’t help me other them at all.
So, actually I’ve learnt if you just sit (or stand and bake a cake.. wink wink… see below) and listen, JUST listen that can be enough. Obviously if they ask for advice you can try to offer something helpful too.
Not trying to fix or do things for them in a lot of cases can help your friends, family members grow more than than you helping them ever could.
Once I realised this the desire to fix simmered and once I realised that no in will leave me (no one hates me) and I still put so much value into a friend/relationship I stopped pushing so hard for people to be fixed and have learnt other ways for me to feel safe.
So, If you take only one thing from today’s post it’s that you are enough (more than enough) and you simply listening is enough. Okay that’s two things.